My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
