so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
