I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
