my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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