There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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