I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Randomize
