Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
