you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
