I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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