When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
