happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
