Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
