four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
