i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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