I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
