I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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