Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
