If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
