I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
