Need sex. Gaining weight.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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