Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He passed out mid-signature
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
