You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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