The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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