She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
