he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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