just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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