Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She bit a glass in half.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
