alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
