theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
