Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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