She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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