Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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