So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
