I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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