I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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