I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Randomize
