Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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