I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
