I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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