I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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