i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
