Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Did I show you my penis last night?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
