There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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