i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
