so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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