I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
