Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
