Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
