Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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