Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
