I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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